Best Way to Deal with a Child who Persists in Telling Lies

When you catch your two-year-old child red-handed, in the middle of an act of destruction, chances are that she’ll deny doing it. Most toddlers will deny misbehaving in these cir­cumstances, either because they genuinely wish they hadn’t committed the offense or because they know they are in deep trouble and just want to get out of it any way they can. At this age, children have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality.

This isn’t lying, in the true sense of the word. A child should only be accused of lying when she is old enough and able to tell right from wrong, and when she deliberately tries to conceal or distort the truth. These two features are not usually present in very young children. Of course, this doesn’t mean that mischief and misbehavior should be ignored by parents, but they should be kept in perspective. By the age of three or four, however, a child begins to develop moral awareness and has the ability to tell lies.

Studies of child development have established two impor­tant principles:

• Every child is capable of lying, depending on the circumstances. Most children will try to hide their wrongdoings if they think the consequences of discovery will be very unpleas­ant. Be reassured, however, that no evidence suggests that a child who tells lies will grow up to be a criminal,
• A child who is too frightened to confess will make even more of an effort to justify her initial lie. If you punish your child every time you think she has told a lie, she will soon learn to become a better liar in order to avoid the inevitable con­sequences. Strike a balance between being too punitive and too lenient. Spanking your child for telling lies only encour­ages her to lie even more, because her fear of discovery becomes greater.
• Not all childhood lies involve concealment. A child might, for instance, tell greatly exaggerated stories about how well she’s doing at school, or how much the other children want to play with her. This type of bragging isn’t lying, though—it is more likely to be a sign of lack of confidence. Never ridicule your child for telling this sort of boastful tale; in this situation, your child benefits more from your support and attempts to boost her confidence.
• There is also the make-believe lie—often a normal part of imaginative play—in which a child embellishes her everyday experiences with fantasy. Don’t be alarmed when your four-year-old insists she was chased by a monster; she’s just trying to make her life more interesting. She’ll grow out of it.
• Your child models much of her own behavior on yours— that’s why if you tell lies in front of her, chances are she’ll do the same. Although you probably don’t tell lies as a matter of course, you may occasionally be guilty of “white lies,” those lit­tle untruths designed to protect other people’s feelings (such as when you told your mother-in-law you liked that horrible vase she gave you, or when you completely forgot an appointment and later gave the excuse that you were unwell). Don’t be sur­prised when your child imitates this—only she won’t be able to tell the difference between serious lies and white lies.
• Dealing with a child who persists in telling lies can be extremely frustrating. You will find these guidelines helpful:

• Stay calm. Instead of instantly reacting, spend time consid­ering why your child is lying. Bear in mind that some lies stem from a child’s lack of self-confidence.
• Explain to your child why she shouldn’t lie. Give her reasons she can understand. For instance, “If you tell lies, people won’t trust you.” Children who are taught the difference between right and wrong, rather than simply being pun­ished for lying, are less likely to tell lies in the future.
• Make punishments reasonable. It is far better to deprive your child of candy, or to put her to bed ten minutes early, than to tell her she’s not allowed out to play for two months. Punishments that are too extreme rarely have much posi­tive impact on a child’s behavior.
• Reassure your child that you still love her. A child who is afraid of losing her parents’ love for being naughty will lie fierce­ly to cover up whatever she’s done wrong.