Best Way to Discipline Children without Spanking

Studies show that violence is more common in the home than on the streets. One problem with spanking is that because it doesn’t work, it escalates into unintended vio­lence. Parent support groups, crisis hotlines, parent education, parent/child drop-in centers, and “parents anonymous” groups can all provide support when you don’t know what to do next.

Children have a knack of pushing parents to the absolute limit… and beyond. The constant nagging of a demanding tod­dler can use up the patience of even the most placid of parents. So can the antics of a five-year-old who thinks it’s good fun to draw all over the living-room walls with his felt-tip pens, or run into the busy street.

Like most of us, some time or other you’ve probably been at that low point where you felt overwhelming frustration and fury at your child’s behavior. Following are good reasons why you should never, ever break down and spank your child:

• It doesn’t work. Studies have found that being spanked does not prevent children from being even more troublesome as they get older. The opposite occurs. Children are more like­ly to cause problems at age sixteen if they were spanked as children. Toddlers who are smacked are the ones least like­ly to obey the instructions that go along with the spanking. Spanking has no long-term positive effect.
• It sets a bad example. From your child’s point of view, if hit­ting and lashing out at someone else are the way you han­dle your anger, then it’s the way for him to handle his anger. Your child will follow your example. Aggression breeds aggression.
• It’s dangerous. A very fine line separates a carefully aimed smack on the bottom and a smack that can do uninten­tional physical damage. Most parents don’t deliberately set out to seriously hurt their child, but it happens often.
• Physical assaults are illegal. Hitting anyone can be a physical assault in the eyes of the law. Aside from a jail sentence for common assault, more-serious charges of child abuse can arise. It may lead the way to family intervention by social workers, psychologists, and child welfare authorities. You may find your children suddenly placed in foster homes. Spanking is usually done in a temper. That’s a time when peo­ple don’t have full control over their actions. You might hit your child too hard; or he might move at the wrong moment, causing the blow to land across his face or a vulnerable part of his body.

If you have ever spanked your child, chances are you felt terri­ble afterwards. No parent likes to see their child look at them with fear. We all want our children to value us, not to be afraid of us.

You can exercise discipline effectively without hitting your child. You will find the following list helpful:

• Tell your child why rules matter. Use explanations he can understand—for example, that throwing his toys will break them. Your child is more likely to follow your rules if he thinks they are sensible.
• Emphasize that your child will benefit from rules just as much as anyone else. For instance, the rule that children shouldn’t punch each other means that your child doesn’t need to worry about being hit by another child.
• Keep rules consistent. This is very important – if you have set limits, make sure your child sticks to them.
• Take action when your child breaks your rules. If you’ve warned him of the consequences, then stick to them. Empty threats only teach your child that you don’t mean what you say.
• Use praise to encourage good behavior. Praising a child when he behaves well is very effective.

• Time rewards and punishments properly. Discipline and praise will be most effective when given immediately. Don’t wait to punish your child for obnoxious behavior, or to praise him for behaving well—take action now. Don’t wait for dad.
• Never try to bully your child into good behavior. You’re bigger than he is and you can intimidate him. But the impact lasts only for a few moments—he’ll misbehave again as soon as you turn your back.
• Use realistic punishments. Only make consequences that you can live with and that you know you can carry out. Short punishments (such as reducing television viewing time by ten minutes or imposing a “time out”) are very effective.
• Be prepared to reach a compromise. There should always be room for reaching a compromise with your child. Most rules can be bent for sound reasons.
• Walk away when you feel tempted to spank your child. This isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a realistic acceptance that you have taken as much as you can at this moment. Take five, and come back to talk it out.