Best Way to Handle Your Child when He Talks Back to You

Few things are more likely to irritate a harassed parent than a young child who insists on “talking back” whenever he is told to do something or when he’s given a reprimand for misbehavior. To a parent, talking back is a sign of insolence, disrespect, and downright confrontation. And when your child does talk back to you, these negative words may suitably describe his behavior and, therefore, he thorough­ly deserves your disapproval for such behavior. Yet, your child’s back talk may have completely different, innocent reasons.

To your child, talking back often appears sensible, justifi­able, and reasonable. After all, his point of view is as important as yours, as far as he is concerned, and the only way to express those genuine thoughts and feelings is to say them out loud. Your child doesn’t think he is talking back (in the parents’ sense of the phrase), rather that he is taking part in a discussion about aspects of his behavior. Your extreme reaction when he does this will probably catch your child off guard, leaving him in confusion as to why you responded so vigorously.

Here are some suggestions to handle your child when he talks backs to you:

• Don’t automatically assume your child is being cheeky. No such intention may be underlying his behavior. Spend a moment or two thinking about the situation from your child’s perspective, before deciding whether his back talk was impertinent.
• Listen to what your child has to say. Of course, if your child is simply being a nuisance, then avoid encouraging him. On the other hand, though, if your child has a grievance, then he should be heard.
• Respond to what your child says. A sign that you have really listened is to give a reply that is relevant and connected to your child’s comments. Reprimanding your child for speak­ing to you confirms you have not listened to him.

• Explain to your child why he shouldn’t talk back. Just as you are prepared to hear his side of events, your child should be pre­pared to listen to you. Explain that talking back appears rude, and that he should think very carefully before doing so.

The best way to tackle a child who talks back to irritate and show his defiance is to simply ignore him. Easier said than done, of course, but failure to response to his challenge is a strong disincentive. Later on, when both of you have calmed down, explain to your child that you were unhappy with his behavior and that you don’t want him to do that again