Best Way to Help a Child Deal with Sibling Rivalry

She always gets more than me,” or “Why can she stay up later than me?” and “That’s not fair!” are familiar cries in most families. Jealousy between children—”sib­ling rivalry”—is normal and arises because siblings have to share their parents’ attention, time, interests, and financial resources.

Most parents will readily admit that family arguments are frequently caused by jealousy between their children. Sibling rivalry can affect every child. Although the oldest child is most prone to jealousy, the youngest too will have moments when she is convinced everyone else in the family gets more than she does. Don’t disregard your child’s cries of “That’s not fair!” If your child feels strongly enough to voice her opinion of unfair treatment, then she deserves to be heard. Ask your child why she feels this way. Her accusation will probably be completely irrational—but you should give her a reasonable reply.

Sensible explanations (such as “Your brother stays up later at night because he’s older and doesn’t need as much sleep as you do,” or “Your sister doesn’t have to wash the dishes after meals because she’s too young to handle the dishes.”) are more convincing than an irritable retort (such as “You’ll go t0 bed when I decide, whether your brother’s in bed or not!”).

Violence between your children should not be allowed although statistics reveal that siblings hit one another approximately 75 percent of all families. The peak age for physical fights between children in a family is when one of the sib­lings is two or three years old. If you do spot your children in a physical fight, separate them and reprimand them, but never spank them as a punishment. Violence breeds violence, and you will simply set a poor example if you raise your hands to your children in temper. Instead, show your disapproval verbally, tell your children why you dislike physical attacks, and encourage them to resolve their disagreement with words, not fists. Let your children know that having aggressive feelings occasionally is normal, but that transforming these feelings into aggressive behavior is not acceptable.

Parents can unwittingly cause sibling rivalry. It is very tempting to encourage one child in the family to behave better or to try harder at school by comparing her with one of her brothers or sisters. This technique is unlikely to have the desired effect, but it is virtually guaranteed to intensify feelings of jeal­ousy between the siblings. Judging a child’s achievements against those of an older brother or sister will only make the child feel inadequate. The older child may not like such a com­parison, either. A more effective strategy is to use a sibling’s superior achievements as an aid. For instance, a younger child who struggles to learn to read will benefit more from her older sister’s help with her reading homework than she will from an unfavorable comparison.

Encourage your children to play together and to share their toys. The more they understand and accept each other, the less frequently jealous tantrums will occur. Make sure the oldest child is not always the one who gets new things to wear—let the younger child have a turn too.

Jealousy will emerge when love is distributed unfairly in family. If you do have a favorite child, never show it, either by your words or by your actions. A child has to learn to manage her feelings of jealousy toward her brothers and sisters, and she must develop a way to keep these natural, but unpleasant, emo­tions under control so that her enjoyment of life is not impaired. You can help your child deal with sibling rivalry in the following ways:

• Don’t confuse differential treatment with preferential treatment. They are not the same. One of your children may need lots of cuddles before going out to school in the morning, while another may prefer just to have a smile and a wave from you. Each child has different emotional needs, and you should try to meet these needs even though this may mean treating the children differently. This is unlikely to lead to sibling rivalry.
• Give each of your children individual attention. Simple logistics dictate that the more children you have, the busier you become. Whenever you have time, spend some of it with each child individually, whether reading a story at bedtime, or tak­ing a walk in the park, or spending a special day together.