Best Way to Help a Child Overcome Shyness

Every child is shy sometimes. Even the most viva­cious, talkative child can freeze when he suddenly finds himself in a new situation or with strangers.

Shyness depends largely on age. Although every child matures at a different rate, the following guidelines apply to most children:

1 week

A newborn baby does not show any signs of shyness. While some infants will take a feeding only from one person, most babies will happily interact with anyone who shows them kindness and interest.

6 months

By this age, an infant has begun to differentiate familiar faces from unfamiliar faces. He can recognize his parents and his brothers and sisters. He will probably be shy and tear­ful when he sees a stranger.

1 year

The child now has greater awareness of who is familiar and who is not. He remains shy and clingy in new situations, and may even cover his eyes with his hands or arms when a stranger approaches. At mother-and-tot group, he often sits “glued” to his mother, wanting to join in the fun and games, yet not secure enough to go off on his own into the playroom.

2 years

A child of this age has more self-confidence, yet may still hesitate to talk to people he doesn’t know. A stranger is more likely to be greeted with silence than with tears. Because a two-year-old is able to walk, he can now leave any situation he doesn’t like. When he feels shy, he simply leaves the room.

3 years

Many children of this age are confident enough to accept attention from people whom they do not know well. A typical three-year-old is more able to handle meeting new children and adults; playgroups or nurs­ery schools are well suited to his social needs.

5 years

By this age, most of the earlier signs of shyness have gone, partly as a result of the in­creased confidence that comes with growing up, and partly as a result of the experience of meeting others. Even so, children over five may still show shyness in a totally new situation—for instance, on the first day of school or when joining an activity.

Although shyness is a passing stage for most children, some children retain their shyness. Some people remain shy all their lives. An investigation in the United States studied people who had been described as shy when they were children and then interviewed them thirty years later. How had shyness affected their lives? Shy people (compared to those who weren’t shy) were found to have

• married later;
• become parents later;
• entered a stable career later;
• filled a stereotyped gender role within the family;
• achieved less in their job;
• experienced a higher rate of divorce;
• lived a very conventional lifestyle.

These findings don’t mean that a shy person is inadequate or unhappy. However, if you want your shy child to become more outgoing, then follow the suggestions below:

• Build up your child’s self-confidence. Shyness stems from a lack of self-confidence in his own abilities, so encourage your child to feel competent and capable by emphasizing his positive attributes—he’s kind, he’s a good singer—and tell him they will make others like him.
• Give your child lots of opportunities to play with others. You can’t expect a shy child to become outgoing unless he meets other children. If your child is not at a nursery school, make sure he has the chance to play with children of his own age.
• Don’t let your child avoid people. A shy child would much rather be on his own—but the more you let him avoid meet­ing other children, the more his shyness will increase.

• Encourage your child to think of other people. When a shy child meets someone, he usually spends the first few moments thinking about himself (about his appearance, about whether the other child likes him, about what he will say next) instead of meeting the other child halfway. Suggest that your child imagines what the other child is thinking and feeling; this will distract your child’s attention from himself.
• Teach your child “opening strategies.” Show him specific approaches to use when he meets new people (such as invit­ing the other child to play a game, or asking him about his favorite television program). A definite plan of action will help your child cope with those first awkward moments.