Best Way to Help Your Child Control Jealousy

Jealousy is a mixture of resentment, fear, insecu­rity, possessiveness, and suspicion—feelings to which we would not willingly admit. At best, jealousy makes a child unhappy and dissatisfied with what she’s got. At worst, it makes her behave in a hurtful way toward others. Sometimes feelings of jealousy between children in the same family can be so strong that they last throughout life. Many psychologists take the view that children are instinctively selfish and possessive, so jealousy is shown by every child to some extent, and that development in the preschool years involves the child moving away from thinking only about herself to thinking and caring about others. Jealousy begins when your baby first realizes, usually around the age of six months, that she doesn’t have you all to herself. You may find that she becomes upset when she sees you cuddling another baby, even if you do so for only a few seconds. The brief instant of sharing your attention with another child is enough i to make your child feel a surge of jealousy. At six months your child will make no attempt to hide this fact from you—she will cry and cry until you put the other baby down and pick her up.

Your child becomes more able to handle these feelings as time passes. A growing child learns to manage this type of jeal­ousy when she realizes through experience that your attention toward someone else doesn’t detract from your love for her. By two or three, your child probably won’t become upset when she sees you with her peers.

Your child will inevitably feel jealous at some points in her life, and the following tips will help you and her manage her feeling:

• Never make your child feel ashamed of being jealous. If you make your child feel badly about her feelings, she’ll hide her true feelings from you.
• Let your child know that you’ve been jealous. There’s no harm in admitting to your child that occasionally you are jealous of others. Ensure you add that you never let these feelings upset you or spoil your fun. Once your child knows that you understand how she feels, she won’t be so upset.
• Accept that jealousy varies from child to child. Just because your older child is not the jealous type and is prepared to share her possessions with others, doesn’t mean your younger child will be the same. Avoid comparing your child with others. That will only make her even more jealous.

• Very intense jealousy can be a sign of a child’s deeper anxieties. Constant jealousy may be a symptom of deep-rooted inse­curity and a lack of confidence. If your child feels this way, try to identify the underlying cause, and deal with it.