Best Way to Manage your Child’s Sexual Curiosity

Children are fascinated by breasts, bottoms, penises, and vaginas. Most giggle uncontrollably at the very mention of these body parts—or even at the suggestion that they might be mentioned. It’s not surprising that children react this way, because these are the organs about which adults get so anxious and make considerable effort to conceal. With this almost-taboo atmosphere surrounding nudity and sexuali­ty, no wonder young children can’t wait to find out more.

If children were left to their own devices, without parental interference and restriction, they would probably demonstrate a significant amount of sexual interest anyway. As early as 1927, a researcher investigated the behavior of a primitive tribe that neither encouraged nor discouraged their children from sexual explorations, and found that a large part of the chil­dren’s spontaneous play was sexually orientated.

Some parents attempt to control their child’s sexual behav­ior—whether it is active inquisitiveness involving another child or simply passing curiosity. Punishing your child with a stern warning about the consequences of a future repetition, or rebuking her with old wives’ tales that misinform about the dangers of sex, sidesteps the central issue of the child’s sexual curiosity and runs a risk of encouraging the child to associate her genitals with guilt. Your child may think anything to do with sex is naughty, and if this feeling persists in subsequent years, her adult sexuality may be adversely affected.

If you do want to manage your child’s sexual curiosity sat­isfactorily, then do the following:

• Avoid showing embarrassment about sex. You can’t expect your child to develop a mature sexual attitude if you start to giggle and blush every time the subject is raised. Your child will sense your discomfort.
• Fit your explanations to your child’s level of understanding. Your advice should be very specific. “Your friend won’t want to play with you if you keep pulling her pants down.”
• Keep calm. If you overreact, your child will soon realize that such behavior is one way to gain your attention. This real­ization can make her feel very powerful, and may encour­age her to persist. It’s far better to stay relaxed and level­headed than to let your child see you become angry.

• Explain about the importance of privacy. Everybody—no matter what age—has a right to decide who touches them and who does not. Just as your child has times when she doesn’t like being kissed and cuddled, so do other people. Explain that the parts of the body covered by a bathing suit are private. Explain to your child in very basic terms about respecting the personal rights of others. If masturbation worries you, tell your child that other people don’t like to see her do that; it’s private.
• Take direct action to stop your child’s overtly sexual behavior-such action is not harmful as long as it isn’t punishment, and as long as you explain the underlying reasons to your child. If your child always takes off her clothes when she is alone with a particular friend, don’t invite that friend to your home for a while. Tell your child why you are unhap­py about her behavior, and let her know that she can play with that friend again once they are able to play differently.